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The Standard of Conversation
Matt Stroud
photography by Dan Buczynski
1.The Embankment
Nigel is sitting on a couch in front of a dozen empty beer bottles, smoking a cigarette, wearing only boxer shorts and a black T-shirt that reads, Games for Bambi in bold, capitalized, white lettering. Underneath the lettering theres an arrow pointing toward his crotch.
We hear only Nigel, whos on the phone with his obtrusive fifteen-year-old brother, Brian and his mother.
Hey, is mom there?
No.
Fuck you, Brian.
Um, put her on the phone.
Put her on the goddamn phone, you little fucker.
Im gonna to have to kill you, arent I?
Yes.
Dude.
Jesus, Im gonna....
Brian just put her on. Please.
Thank you.
Hi, Mom.
I think theres something wrong with Brian.
No, retarded.
Help. He needs help.
Anyway. Yes.
Fine.
Been better.
You know.
Work? Sucks.
I dont know.
No, no, no. Nothing like that. They just wont give me anything decent to do. So I end up taking this to this person and that to that person and doing stupid crap and getting people coffee and wrecking my car and this and that.
What?
Yeah. I was trying to be sly.
Yep. I wrecked it.
Into, like a prairie? A grass field, kinda.
Well, no. It was last night.
I hit a speed limit sign, too.
No, this has nothing to do with work, but I wanted to tell you about it. And now seemed like a good time.
No. Im fine.
Not a scratch on me, but
Its uh, drivable. But
No, listen.
It was a two-lane road, surrounded by trees and grass and stuff. And in my rear view
No. I was coming home.
Yeah, and this guy was driving up behind me real fast in a pickup truck. And when he got real close I thought he didnt see me, so I sorta veered to the side of the road and my tire got caught in the embankment.
The embankment. The curb.
Yeah. And it forced the car to the side, off the side of the road. And I wrecked into a speed limit sign.
It cracked the windshield and left a big mark on the front bumper and hood.
No, the sign said 45.
No. I was going way faster than that.
Probably 60. But
Fuck you Brian!
I didnt mean, shit, Im sorry, Mom. Your sons a dick.
Not me. Brian.
Mom.
I know. I know.
Its covered. I talked to them yesterday.
I know. Mom, I know.
I was too.
I am.
I know.
I have enough.
Yeah.
Anyway. Enough about me. Your turn to tell me a story.
Why not?
Mom.
Tell me about the party the other day. Oh, sorry: the function.
Ha.
You and dad are dorks.
Ha ha.
Thats weird. No, I didnt hear.
Yes, tell me.
No way. She did? No way.
Ha ha. Thats silly.
No. Cmon, mom.
Mom, why would I care about her?
Im sorry.
No, Im sorry. I was being insensitive. Tell me more.
Wow. Thats pretty great. BRIAN! DO YOU THINK I CANT HEAR YOU? Mom, tell him to
But.... [sigh]
Mom, do you know where I can buy a prairie dog?
Not monkeypox. Rabies. I want one with rabies.
Yes. Or maybe a rabid gorilla.
Sorry.
No. I didnt.
Mom. I'm fine.
Ill get it looked at tomorrow.
Mom, no. I gotta go.
Somethings going on.
Next weekend.
I hope it will.
No, Ill talk to you soon.
I will. Maybe Monday.
I know.
Ill check, then let you know, okay?
I love you, too. Tell Brian I hate him.
Okay.
Bye, mom.
Bye.
2. Talking to Mom on Phone: Respectively Worried, Thankful, Annoyed, Relieved
Recently, Julie had surgery to remove a potentially cancerous tumor in her left breast. She hadn't told her mother about the surgery because she knew her mother would react like mothers tend to: with horror stories and overwhelming concern. So today she had been waiting for her prognosis so she could let her mother know (1) that she had elected to have surgery without consulting her parents, and (2) whether or not she has cancer. Over the phone (her mother is not within easy driving distance), she will transfer all the information in one call. We only hear her end of the conversation.
She dials her parents number and gets her Dad. Shes talking, at first, about her wisdom teeth, which she thinks need to be removed.
I dont know, I think theyre coming in crooked.
Both of them.
Yeah.
Oh, ha ha.
I LOVE YOU.
Happy fathers day.
Yeah, just one.
How are you guys?
Good.
Ha ha, its okay.
No, it hurts on the side of my teeth.
It came in sideways.
Its okay. Its your vacation jinx.
Yeah. Yeah.
I think Im going to.
I know.
Love you, too.
Okay.
No, they were telling me at the dentist last time I was there.
Theyre coming in so late anyway; I might as well get them out of there.
Yeah it might hurt.
Have you ever?
Yeah.Yeah. Ha ha ha.
Well, no, my tooth isnt the problem its just that theres this huge
Yeah, its rubbing against my cheek.
If it was, then I wouldnt be able to talk to you.
Friday morning? Saturday? Hows Wisconsin?
No. Its not that bad.
No. We went to the arts festival.
Yeah, it was pretty. I found the way in.
No, SIDEWAYS.
No, its not really sideways, its just really far to the left.
You think so?
I hope so. But its cutting my cheeks. You know?
Oh, okay.
Its not in line with anything, so I dont think it will throw anything off.
No. Its all the way in.
Yeah. My cheek does. Not the tooth.
Yeah. Its not a big deal.
NO.
Love you.
Bye.
Her hair is dyed red, and it looks like it's been dyed a few too many times because the ends are frayed a bit. Nevertheless, it's draping over her eyes, which are a noticeable grey-green. Holding the phone between her shoulder and her ear she begins speaking to her mom.
Excellent timing.
Hi.
I need to tell you something.
No.
Its not bad.
Well, it coulda been but
No. No, Mom.
MOM. Stop it.
I had the surgery.
I ... had the surgery.
Yes.
Its benign.
Exactly.
Thats why they had to operate.
Gone.
They took it all.
Yeah?
She what?
Here, Julie is surprised because her mother says she already knew everything. See, Julie had been communicating with her sister, a doctor six weeks out of medical school, to make sure all her decisions regarding surgery were wise. Her sister, who is notorious for keeping her secrets, went against her normal pinky-swearing policy, and told mom everything as soon as it happened.
Well, as you know, everything went fine. And I dont have cancer, which is good.
It wasnt that bad.
Surgerys weird. They kept asking me if I had problems with my teeth before I went under. Could thatve screwed it up?
Yeah, it cut up my cheek the whole time.
When I was under.
Cause it seems like its been there for a while.
Oh well. I have pain pills for the other stuff.
So, its just taking care of both for right now. But I might go on Monday, cause it seems like its infected.
Yeah. Ive just been sleeping all day. All night.
Its okay, I changed the dressing today, and I dont think its infected. Still hurts like hell, though.
Ice? Yeah.
Not that much, actually.
I didnt know that.
Yeah. What? See, Im not sure. They told me to strip down and then, so Im standing there in this room with all these old people, naked, withhold on.
Julie cups the mouthpiece of the telephone receiver and says, I cant let you hear this part. I need to talk to my mom in private. Okay?
Fair enough.
3. Father and son.
Frank is talking to his mom, pacing in the living room of his apartment on the South Side. His mom says something to this effect: Talk to your father.
He does, and the conversation on his end goes like this:
Hey.
How is everything?
Its going well.
Yeah. Saturday, at noon.
Ill be there.
Yeah, I was there last week. Shot a forty-seven.
Schenley.
I know.
No.
Probably much like yours.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, see you there.
Yeah, put her back on.
4. The Good Eye
This is an exchange. It happens in a hospital while Joanne, fifty-two, feeds her seventy-eight year old mother, Elizabeth. Elizabeth is very frail and recently, her lifes been, well, difficult. She broke her hip about a month ago while walking up a flight of stairs. Then two weeks ago, she suffered reversible, yet painful damage to her right eye, the one she can see out of.
The story of her good eye goes like this: Seven years back, a lens was sewn into her good eye to assist against the effects of glaucoma. Two weeks ago, the tiny stitches securing the lens onto her eyeball came loose. As a result, her eye essentially popped and she was left blinded. Shes been blind in her other eye for years. On Tuesday, she broke her other hip when she fell out of her hospital bed trying to use the restroom without assistance.
Hopefully, the care shes receiving now will allow her to carry on, unassisted. In the meantime, shes forced to rely on others for survival. Elizabeth acts stubbornly and speaks Italian more often than not; Joanne acts courteous, but frustrated. She speaks English for my sake.
Elizabeth is wearing light blue, typical hospital scrubs and sitting up in her bed, which is reclined as far forward as possible. A sheet is half-heartedly draped over her tiny, fragile legs. On her hospital tray is a plate of pasta with red sauce, a cup of coffee, and a piece of apple pie. Joanne is holding a fork and a spoon, twirling pasta onto the fork, so she can feed it to Elizabeth.
Joanne says, Ma. Open up, and shovels the pasta toward Elizabeths mouth.
Elizabeth keeps her mouth shut, and turns away. The fork and the spaghetti hit her in the cheek; sauce drips from her cheek onto her clothing.
Joanne, frustrated, says, Ma, do you wanna get out of here or not? Joanne stares at me and says to her mother, Now, stop being so stubborn in front of Matt.
Elizabeth makes a disgusted face and a noise that sounds like Pfeuf.
Joanne says, Since youre not gonna eat, tell him the story, Ma.
No, says Elizabeth.
Warning Elizabeth, Joanne says, Ma, dont be like this or Ill leave you here.
Verbal pushing and pulling happen. Elizabeth finally gives in and says, You wanna the story? She says, in a thick accent, Es-a no wort. But, eh.
Elizabeth tries to adjust herself on the bed, bracing her frame on the mattress with her arms, gradually shuffling backward to lie back and get comfy. Shaking, she can barely move herself away from the table. She does, eventually, and continues the story:
The nurse, she wanna me to cook-a.
She say EA-Lizabehta, you gonna cook-a the eggs today.
I say, Eh howma gonna cook-a eggs?
She say, Eh-you practice. No?
I say, You outta you mind-eh.
She say, EWhy you not cook-a the brownie instead?
I say, EHow-mah gonna cook-a anything. I no see! Eh.
She say, EWhy you no try?
I say, ELeave-a me go to the bath-a-room, for ah make a mess a you.
Joanne had been twirling more spaghetti onto a fork while Elizabeth had been talking. Trying to vaguely surprise Elizabeth into eating, Joanne says, Ma. Open up, and shovels the pasta toward her mothers mouth again. Elizabeth keeps her mouth shut, and turns away again. The fork and the spaghetti hit
her in the cheek; this time the sauce stays on her face.
Elizabeth says something angrily in Italian and searches for a napkin on the table to wipe off her face and clothes. She cant see the napkins on her bed, next to her.
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