Lost Yinzer
Solicitation: A Love Story
I think this happened in 1996.
We pulled into the lot across from Dee’s. We walked into the joint without a word. I was with Calvin and Steve, and the bad blood ran pretty deep. We all hated each other right then and there. Cal and Steve had lost a bundle gambling on dogs in Wheeling, and I’d gotten drunk in a bar at the track. Then we got tossed out of a strip club called Big Bertha’s because Steve called one of the dancers fat. Calvin tried to stay and watch one of the others dance because he’d never seen a woman’s cunt live before, but that wasn’t happening. So we drove home to Pittsburgh.
We stayed and drank until Dee’s closed. Then Steve pushed us into the depths of downtown Pittsburgh. I was in worse shape. I hung my head out of the window to get air because I couldn’t breath. Steve whispered to Calvin, and then Cal answered him back. I had no idea what they were concocting. I only knew that I wasn’t going home right away. The night would roll on forever. So be it. I closed my eyes. A short time later we pulled onto Penn Avenue.
“Why are we here?” I asked.
“Good question, Grochalski,” Steve responded. He turned to grin at me, but said nothing else.
I got out of the car. All of the blood rushed from head. My legs wobbled and I felt weak. In the distance, the darkened buildings swayed.
“Are you boys lookin’ for a good time!” It was a six-foot tall black woman, with long blond hair and a gold mini skirt. She was leaning against a parking meter.
“Alright, let’s see what this black broad wants,” Steve said, brushing past me.
As we approached, the woman’s features began to look gruff. Her polished hands were large and muscular. The same was true of her legs, especially the great knots on her kneecaps. One of her breasts was raised higher than the other. She had an Adam’s apple.
“Call me crazy,” I began, “but I don’t think that women have Adam’s apples.”
“Yeah, so?”
“Look at her.”
“Y’all like this, huh?” she taunted. “Ooh, and three of yuh. Strong too. I bet we can work something out between the four of us.”
“Negative!” Steve yelled at her. He sliced his hand through the air. “You’re a fucking dude!”
The woman stood upright, away from the meter. “What did you just say?”
“I said you’re a fucking dude!”
“I’ll have you know, white boy, I’m almost 100% female.”
Steve pointed at her crotch. “All female except the important part, dude.”
“I’d do you better than any of them no-assed, flat-chest, pale whores you probably tried to pick up tonight!”
Steve laughed bitterly.
“Oh, you think I’m playin’? You think I’m a fuckin’ joke?”
“A little bit.”
The woman began running toward us. She couldn't run in her heels. Still, Steve turned and blew past Calvin and I. The three of us hit the end of Penn Avenue. We skidded around a corner like The Three Stooges, before hauling ass down Liberty Avenue. I was half way down the block before it hit me that she wasn’t even giving chase.
